Fear and Loathing Gay Marriage in America

Tomorrow is my anniversary.  Eleven years ago, Siri and I stood under the chuppah, said our vows, broke the glass and the Rabbi pronounced us married.  There were a lot of people who asked why I bothered.  My father, whose birthday it also is tomorrow, told me that while my sister needed to get married, that there was no reason for me to do this.  My mother, whose birthday it is not, had much harsher words for me.  She said that marriage is between a man and a woman, and only between a man and a woman.   She was angry at me.  Angry.  Well, livid, really.  Angry that her oldest child would have the temerity to get married. 

Well, tomorrow evening is also Kol Nidre, the holiest night of the year for Jews.  And, no it wasn’t Kol Nidre back then, Kol Nidre Night, like everything else in the Jewish calendar, floats from year to year.

But, in honor of my anniversary, and of Kol Nidre night, I thought I would share with you the explanation of why Gay Marriage is anathema to the Religious Right, and why they have spent so much time and money denying some 4% of the population this most basic of human rights.

You see, we are a scourge on all their plans to bring theocracy to the United States, traitors to an America where a religious government not only wants to tell me who to spend my life with but tell me exactly what beliefs it’s ok for me to have in the first place.  And this is what they want: an America where what I believe and how I live my life, from birth to death, they get to dictate to me.

Let’s step back for a moment.

In my humble opinion, there are really two kinds of marriage in this world:  one based on a loving bond of two equal partners who have chosen each other, at the exclusion of all others, to share their lives with.  This marriage is based on mutual love, respect and admiration. 

The other kind of marriage is based upon a dichotomy of power.  One person has it, one person doesn’t.  This marriage is based on traditions, obedience, and supremacy.

In the first kind of marriage, it doesn’t really matter what gender people are, does it?  You can have mutual love, respect and admiration for a man as well as for a woman, can’t you?  And if one tickles your fancy, well, mazel tov.

The second kind of marriage requires dominance of one partner over the other, and, if it can be externally manipulated, so much the better.  In order to make the external manipulation generic to all couples, all couples must be constructed in the same manner, and that means that one has to be male and the other to be female.  It’s the only way it works.  The man is the master of the house.  The woman is the housewife.  He works and generates revenues, she stays home and tends to babies and cooks and cleans.  He issues edicts, she obeys.  Everything the Religious Right and their lackeys in the government could possibly do to promote this model of marriage, they’ve done.  From their stance on abortion and birth control and sex education to the bankruptcy bill that’s passed, they really really want this model of marriage.  And, let’s be frank, it suits them, doesn’t it?

The external manipulation of the second model of marriage can take shape in a thousand different ways, from the pulpit to the work place; advertising can target  this model of marriage, even store hours can be arranged so that stores are open when most men are at work and most women can shop, and pesky wages and expensive overhead can be trimmed to only the most lucrative times of day.  The first model of marriage cannot be manipulated nearly as easily and profits will be lessened.  The second model of marriage will produce more children than the first, and the relationship between the parents will infect the children.  The relationship there will not be loving parent to loving child but demanding parent to obedient child.  “Wait till your daddy gets home” will inspire fear in children rather than anticipation. 

And this is where religion kicks in.  I was driving down the street not too long ago and saw a bench that had one of those big Jesus fish painted onto it with the words “the Fear of God is the Beginning of Wisdom”.  Now, those words came from our side of the Bible.  There was no red text associated with it.  Those were our words, and they didn’t jive with the rest of Judaism.  It’s in Proverbs, not Leviticus.  Proverbs are human words.  Leviticus was the finger of God. 

And what does Leviticus say?   “Thou Shalt Love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, with all thy soul and with all thy might.”  We are instructed to teach these words diligently to our children and to wear these words between our eyes and to put them as sign posts upon our houses and upon our gates.  This passage is right above the Shema, the purest statement of monotheism in Leviticus and the most fundamental basis of Judaism.  So, the only thing more important than the love of God is the sheer statement that our God is One God.  That’s it.  We have a God, it is one God, and you love this God with every fiber of your being.  That’s 99.44% of Judaism.  The rest is window dressing. 

So what’s that Fear thing all about?  And why is it that these Religious Right people and their government lackeys are talking about it all the time?  Fear God.  Fear your father.  Fear your husband.  And can we talk about Al Qaida?  How about your shadow?  And if you’re scared enough, how about you cough up those civil liberties you weren’t using anyway?  And maybe you should just trust us with all those pesky decisions in your life: whether to have that child; when it’s okay to endure pain and suffering at the end of your life; what jobs to have inside the home and out.

Fear is an instrument of control.  Love is not.  Fear is much easier to inspire generically.  It is easier to teach “Just Say No” than to encourage people to weigh options in their own life given their own situations and circumstances. 

And so, Gay Marriage: bad.  It doesn’t matter that my 11 years of marriage has no impact whatsoever on your marriage.  If you hadn’t known a Rabbi pronounced me married, if I had just been Union’d or Commit’d or some other non-Marriage word, would it really make that much of a difference?  And, doesn’t it make you, on some level, just happy that I have found happiness?  And, if you are Christian, isn’t that a Christian enough sentiment?

As for me, I’m happy to be in a marriage of equals.  I’m glad that any kids I have will be loved and not live in fear of me and my belovedest.  And if the Religious Right don’t like it, well screw them.  I think they’re sick bastards anyway.  I suppose it’s mutual.

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